Thursday, December 22, 2011

Newt Gingrich's Three Laws of Motion

Following in the footsteps of Newton's Three Laws of Motion, former House speaker and 2012 Republican presidential contender, Newt Gingrich, has developed his own set, and he's calling it "Newt Gingrich's Laws of
Upward Mobility:"

Newt's First Law:

Every object in stasis tends to remain in stasis unless an external force is applied to it, preferably a force in a size 6 gown, Chanel lip gloss, and diamond earrings from Tiffany's.

Newt's Second Law:

Acceleration and force work only when the direction of the force vector is the same as the direction of the acceleration vector, meaning don't set goals that ultimately take you from the public vector into the private vector because getting back into the public vector may be like trying to zip your fly with both hands tied behind your back.

and last but not least,

Newt's Third Law:

Some things never change. Newton's Third Law of Motion remains unchanged from Newton's: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction which means those who remember what happened the last time Gingrich and clan came to town to occupy the House need only multiply that by about a hundred to see what is bound to happen in 2012. Bill Clinton easily took the White House. In a thumbnail, Speaker Boehner, Eric Cantor, Romney, Gingrich et. al have just handed the 2012 election over to President Obama.

And, not just Obama, but just as they did back in '94, Gingrich and friends have all but ensured an election landslide for the Democrats in the House thereby leading one to deduce that, when used properly, every upward movement Gingrich makes in the polls can only result in a major backstroke and this time, as was the case eighteen years ago, Mr. Gingrich is taking his whole party along for the ride.